I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
I was sleeping on the bathroom floor and thought a wet towel might keep me warm.
I swear it started with good intentions but then my slutty side took over and we started playing strip checkers
Hurry there's a dancing lesbian. She's a jumper and has impeccable jazz hands.
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
Some cougar Brit said she loved me. America is bouncing back.
I feel like im becoming the girl who only drunk texts him. I would be in the dog house, if situations like this had dog houses.
It's still 8am.
Yeah, but its wine drunk. WITH A DOCTOR. THAT MAKES MY MORNING CLASSY.
If you don't believe in my fighting skills, I don't know if we can be together
He suffocated between her tits, but she didn't notice because he still came.
COCAINE IS GR8
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
Why does my mask smell like doritoes?
Randomize
