mom just called and i was mid bong hit but i answered anyways coughing and sounding rough she the apologized for waking her little angel up. its 2PM
her last google searches are 'cheap african safari' and 'what does lion taste like'
after watching ten minutes of "the decision," I conclude that King Lebron has more influence on America than Barak Obama. I love our countries values.
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
I think her version of saying goodnight was being flung over a guys shoulder as he said, "Bitch. You don't need no shoes."
You're obviously not trying hard enough. GET LAID. Kittens die for less.
Touche salesman.
My therapist keeps stopping to ask what 'hooking up' means
ITS ORAL SEX CAROL
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
Low key that was incredibly dangerous to let me wield a sword at this point in the night
I just had sex with the Sheriff's Deputy. You should call me.
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
he stopped mid makeout and said "can I pray for you?"
Totally reading about penis envy for my final exam
We were trying to organize all the customers to hold a window pickle race. as of 10:37 pm last night we are no longer allowed in our McDonalds.
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
Randomize
