Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
Be careful there's warming lubricant on the floor. I will clean and explain later.
pretty sure if my vagina had a mouth, it would have been smiling afterwards.
You picked up her frozen vom puddle and threw it like a frisbee.
he referred to his penis as the bashful dwarf from snow white
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
Note to self: do not ride giant beanbag chair down stairs.
At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?
Btw I'm already known as the drunk roommate. Don't know if that's a success or a failure seeing as it hasn't even been a week since I've been here
Had to decide between a hook up at the train restroom or getting to work on time #growingup
Also, I just opened Google to find the lyrics to California Gurls. Karaoke night did us dirty.
I woke up with a pube in my teeth...I'm disturbed cause we're both clean shaven
I want you to worship my cock.
That's not how you start a conversation.
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
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