1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
yeah but I shoulda known it\'d be bad when he start rubbing my pubic bone instead of the clit! Awkkkkwarddd
i guess i finally out drove tiger woods this morning..
We just got home. I got some malt liqour and a lottery ticket so I'm really doing a lot with my life right now
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
I seriously just caught my Pina colada from falling of a table perfectly facing up. I will now reward myself by finishing this one and then getting my 8th
my paper on vitamins just turned into a 2 hour tangent google search on what i should buy to best cure a hangover. I need to stop getting high before homework
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
I got so pissed i stormed off and threw his burrito on his windshield
Just stalked the girl I hooked up with last night's boyfriend. He seems nice, I approve.
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
Randomize
