I'm too stoned for this. I'm Canadian.
He finally told me that he's married. I guess it doesn't really matter.
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
I was wasted and lost so I called the cops and asked for directions. It seemed logical at the time
Within 5 minutes of max walking in his pants were off and he was wearing my snow goggles as underwear.
throwing up turkey will be a nice break from throwing up ramen
Please tell me I did not ask the bartender how big his dick was.
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
Took three klonopin and turned all my jeans into jorts. I miss you
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
I mean. I just want to sit in my bed and eat bagels. What's wrong with that?
I just found those cheese sticks in my purse. Along with a handful of confetti.
Just deepthroated a hot dog. Thinking of you
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