Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
i just woke up to 15 people singing a whole new world
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
Explain to me how it was that you spent the entire night playing pool with three lesbians and did not get a foursome out of it.
say it with me now .. the "golden" penis. his nickname does not disappoint.
I had to brake up with him.
In my experience drinking helps.
You dont want to know why?
Not really. I want to drink.
If he comes over tomorrow, im answering the door naked. Simple as that.
So we played the stone cold theme song and continued to chug 2 beers at once and everyone just looked in shock
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
Do not take the D yet, he needs to be worth it. Your Vagina is GOLD.
Wtf can everyone stop fucking in my grandma's bed? This is like the third time
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
would it be awkward if i bring my husband?
only if i fuck you in the bathroom while he's paying the check
Randomize
