if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
it was like fucking with batman, he had gadgets i never even imagined
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
pretty sure the dicks i sucked were punishment enough
Based off the amount of cat hair on my poncho....i stole a cat last night.
I'll be in my room with a breakfast burrito at 2:30. It's up to you...
please come upstairs a drunk asian is lying down n the middle of my room and i don't know him
On the upside I'm hairless from the waist down. On the downside, I just chemically burned my labia
Unless he's under 18, in which case you put him back where you found him this instant.
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
one week and then i'm back on the sexual grind. a party is being planned in my vagina's honor
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
Good morning beautiful! Wanna steal a cat this weekend?
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