Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser.
I dunno. Last time I went there I had got sexually propositioned by a Belgian prince.
My dream had 1 penis and 2 pizzas in it. Priorities?
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
As yoda would say; A bitch, she is.
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
I feel as if I need Plan B just being in the same room as them for more than 5 minutes.
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
I picked up a towel, and butt beads fell out of it.
Oh yeah... Surprise!
If I'm not naked in the back of a cop car having sex by the end of the night, I did something wrong..
She puked on the floor because she said she really liked to clean.
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