Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
no one will drink with you if you continue to listen to beyonce
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
We could make it a date. Dinner and a show. The show being my nipples getting pierced.
If she says "This is how acid feels" one more time I'm never trip-sitting them again.
Great way to live...just blowing loads on upholstery
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
Tequila pump. I'm ecstatic your engineering degree has real world application.
dude girls our age are getting married and having babies and I still can't figure out how to defrost my hotpockets
oh and apparently my boobs are named "have no fear" and "plenty o'beer"
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
i have a strong feeling that today will be a naked day for me...i don't feel like doing shit
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
Randomize
