i cant decide if i should go fuck j*** or keep watching real genius
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
you better not pull some "waking up at 2 in the afternoon" shit, we have weed to smoke.
Alosmot hir two of of mt mailanoxwa
Oh Jesus.
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
I saw it and almost just was like "Ice breaker: your penis is massive" but I didn't.
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
I'm glad he doesn't have a bigger dick because he'd just use it for evil anyway
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
You have a penis. Therefore everything you say is automatically wrong.
Idk if I want to put a bra on
Randomize
