also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
I think east. Tornado watch. What the fuck are you doing in Texarkana?
Bonnaroo. Tornado watch? Expand on that thought.
Watch for tornadoes.
I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
part of me always dies a little when i go to the "2 women seeking 1 man" section in craigslist's casual encounters to find nothing there. it's tragic
You took shots of captn out of a empty percocet bottle, i just saw you fall threw the floor of rock bottom.
I honestly get shocked all over again every time I pull his pants down. It's one of those feelings you never get tired of.
I just need to know if he's either really genuine about being in my life or being in my vagina.
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
oh dear god, that would be like watching to female walruses mate. We need to stop going to that lesbian bar...
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
Maybe the "i killed someone" and "tequila makes my clothes come off" comments freaked him out.
Randomize
