Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
batman tramp stamp. Dibs.
i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
I just entered us to win a trip to Vegas for spring break. GET YOUR VAGINA READY FOR THE ULTIMATE DICK HUNT!
Until she magically finds a brain, I'm going to be a dick. Fair trade. She's a idiot, I'm an ass.
We just broke into a lion king sing along. Understanding is not possible.
I'm sure we could go all project runway on our diapers and create some flattering absorbent thongs. We could do it on the Boat. Call it project rumway.
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
Of the three people getting wasted at this dance competition, im two of them
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
The difference between 22 and 28 is bigger than I realised. I had the urge to put on Spongebob and give him a cookie.
For someone who wanted a break I'm getting way to much dick
Are you in a position where you can bring me some nachos?
Randomize
