My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
I just remember telling jokes while vomitting
She brought up feelings... her days are numbered
im not going to any frat parties next semester. for once i want them to think its actually hard to get in my vagina
Would it be bad if I bought her bread, meat, cheese, and stuff as her christmas present so she can make me a sandwich?
I'd like to bring you 40 virgins and treasure chests of gold to make you feel better
I'll be gone when you wake up but you hit a girl so I knocked you out. Never hit a girl. Unless it's with your penis.
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
the kid next to me in math class is drawing gay porn. it's good, but that is beside the point
I am serious when I say I think I broke a rib having sex with Kyle. It might be puncturing my lung. No lie. I might die today.
Sex in a tree, bucket list CHECK!
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
Do you know how difficult it is to snap a good dick pic while driving?
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
Im glad your laughing because im currently convincing my penis you didnt mean it and its all gunna be ok.
Randomize
