So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
He deleted all his profile pics with her. It was like the bat signal for single women everywhere.
We're gona eat taco bell and then take exlax and see who can hold it in the longest. Loser has to pay for drinks all weekend. You in?
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
Ill go to bed but tamed sharks isnt so much of a bad idea. Not for riding
I don't know why I do this to myself his dick is a constant source of disappointment.
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
It's okay. I think we're back on. I just went on a dog walk with him n blew him on a sidewalk
Remember the golden rule, wine is for baths, and beer is for showers.
Concept: I never actually flirt with anyone, I'm just a bitch and some people find it endearing
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
Randomize
