You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
If we went to a costume party as Batman and Robin I would go as Robin, that's how much you mean to me
But life isn't just all about getting drunk & eating chicken strips.
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
So. Do you think marshmallow vodka in hot chocolate while eating a graham cracker would = s'mores?
In some strange universe, yes
I'm concerned that this blind man on the bus has a boner right now
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
You were making out with a freshman and said you wanted to back to his place. Then when you got to the door to leave you said "never mind." He sad it wasn't fair and you got all serious and told him "welcome to the real world kid."
I broke a glass at the bar and ended up with blood on my forehead. I apparently kept screaming BLOOD like the little boy in that YouTube video.
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
I want to see a guy holding a pizza and a bottle of scotch and a box of magnums. I'm a simple woman.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
Listen, I bought the coke that got us those free drinks, okay? Show some respect.
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
Randomize
