Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
I wanted to tell him he wasn't actually in me, but my god, awkward?
we're talking about where were going. or where we stand. but yeah we'll basically be doing it in the hallway so just ignore us
Thanks for bailing me out last night guys. it's bullshit that everbeering people at bars is illegal. bitches have no sense of adventure anymore
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
These girls just walked into this party as reverse cowgirls... Wearing cowboy clothes all backwards
He balanced a treat on his nose, and then he rolled me a joint. My bf is the best pet ever.
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
Look, if a guy shows up at your house. He's short, name is Logan, has weird vertical hair, let him in, give him food, and a place to stay. He's on a ver important mission. And I am he. as he is me and we are all together. And we are the eggman, goo goo gajoob.
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
Just imagine a dick squawking like a parrot
i was sitting on the kitchen floor shaking my gallon of vodka at people and asking if they wanted to climb the heaven hill... getting dumped is the best thing that has ever happend to me
How many gummy vitamins can I eat before I die
Tequila. The ruiner of all good intentions.
Randomize
