Sooo, his balls are like... bigger than my head...
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
Every single piece. I examined every single square inch of this peanut butter and jelly sandwich. and fell in love with every inch. that high.
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
Besides the flaccid incident, it was decent. Average sized. So this is my life now. Loneliness and lackluster sex.
I CRIED after phone sex. Am I gay?
Beer acquired. Food is cooking
Wow, you are almost sliding into home plate for some stellar fellatio
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
He is nice. Kind of short though. But didn't try to rub his jean cock on me.
Which I appreciated.
I've decided that it's a bad thing. But I've also decided that I don't give a fuck.
You don't know true terror until you get stuck in a porta potty while frying your face off.
Being responsible doesn't make memories.
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
But he's super into Jesus and I'm the devil. So we weren't meant to be
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