bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
help me choose which girl to send myself boning to my girlfriend to make her want to break up
which one looks the most like her?
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
crossed #23 off the Slucket List!
YOU JUST MADE YOUR SLUCKET LIST THIS MORNING.
Be here at 9 and look fabulous. We have drag queens to impress.
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
I had to run home with my hands covering my tits this morning. How does this keep happening?
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
He said he looked out his window and I was sitting in the grass with blood everywhere talking to a dog.
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
He is a sex God. It lasted more than an hour, and I don't remember how many times I came. I lost count at 57.
it's unicorns you uncultured swine
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
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