in pain and im wearing pink underwear
so?
i dont own pink underwear
I just realized that i have never seen about 30 percent of my friends sober before
Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
Somehow I managed to make my Dunkin Donuts uniform look slutty. And I'm not even wearing hoops.
She cried. My mom screams. And nut went everywhere. It was all around a bad situation.
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
FACE TIME HER WHILE YOU GUYS BANG
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
He has a bathrroom scale in his room with an alarm attached to it so anything over 150 sets it off and in his drinking stupper he can make a run for it.
He interrupted me giving him head to ask if I were hungry, because he wanted to eat pizza. Wtf.
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
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