This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
Our logic class started an hour ago, I walked out and found my sister drunk, sitting down, eating m&ms, afraid to walk in... I want her life
2048oz a keg...divide that by solo cup... comes out to 128 beers...simplifies into 5.3repeating cases...drinkable between two people
and u failed math?
I slept with an Israeli and a Palestinian in the same day. It feels wrong.
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
Mm. I just want to eat pancakes off of his fine ass.
Dude walks in wearing jean shorts and a graphic tshirt and goes home with an attractive female. EXPLAIN YOURSELF UNIVERSE.
I would really just like to get laid somewhere that's not on a bathroom floor at this point in my life
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
The bump on my forehead, i think, was from falling asleep at front door, on my knees, slumped over. But we played good music so what?
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
