I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
apparently vodka and oj turns green when you throw it up
basic color theory
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
I really can't get over how proud I am of all us getting laid at the same time in the same apartment
You have to come over we all bought drinking hats. Mine has a turtle on it. Side note: somehow someone got their hands on 50 candied apples and we need to eat them...
I woke up and took my shirt off, and there was what I was assume to be pieces of tree in my chest hair. Any ideas about that one?
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
Did you really just call a picture of your erect penis art?
Okay... I just said "preach it" to the pokemon theme song. I'm hammered.
My vagina needs a break, I had to ice it with a beer bottle last night.
Honestly I volunteered because the email made it sound like it was a once in a lifetime opportunity to be a sexual spy kid.
Is it weird to befriend your older alcoholic landlords?
He's not put together enough to have that big of a dick
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