We walked past a group of guys in front of a bar last night and they claimed, I quote: Wow, we'd actually have to work for that.
Seeing him suck some chick's face on VH1 wasn't exactly how I imagined the "we should see other people" conversation going.
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
We shouldn"t be alone together
you didn"t say that yesterday
you weren't married yesterday
I don't think so, think I've only met him once, the night I lost my teeth
And I'm PMSing. So if I'm not crying, I'm masturbating.
Attention: due to the power outage we will not be playing drinking games and watching the royal wedding. Bring your own bottle and we'll just drink in silence.
Apparently I took one a huge picture off the wall at the bar and was walking around dancing with it..
By the way, playing "guess who I had sex with last night" was a great way to start a Thursday, or any day
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
Sent him a snap chat of him eating me out so he can relive the moment.
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
I am so horny that I an legitimately concerned for your safety when I see you tonight.
Randomize
