She made the grapes disappear! ALL OF THEM!!!
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
he just told me he'd rather go to the pirates game. i know it was desperate but i said id give him roadhead if he let me come along.
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
Just found a pack of birth control on the corner of Oakland and Thomas, so if your desperate its up for grabs.
I totally gave him head in sync to Beastie Boy's Sabotage playing in the background.
so "excuse the stench" wasn't the correct thing to say when your boyfriend's parents walk in on you shitting. Live and learn
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
Also I am throwing a blaZer over what I wore to bed and calling it an outfit.
I think he's trying to finish jacking off before throwing up again
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
Randomize
