umm..so Dad's wearing a thong, I don't know what to do
put a dollar in it?
She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
i don't know how to normally transition into sexual activities without being drunk...
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
the condom is still stuck, that's what I get for being responsible
I love you. Happy valentines. Satin Patricks dayyyyyyyyyy. Alreadythrew up. Geeeeerait.
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
ok. i'm ready for you to come back and test the structural integrity of this futon.
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
He walked into the bar, took a deep sniff and said "this place is fertile and ready for my seed" then calmly walked to the service area
Give me a reason to not spend the rest of my evening high watching dogs 101 videos
You then played what you called "a smooth jazz rendition of talk dirty to me" all thrusting your crotch at the bartender. Mom looked horrified, but my dad couldn't stop laughing
I don't remember that much at all. But I guess I met this guy from New Zealand and his dog, and then I punched someone in the face.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Randomize
