So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
Is it standard protocol to defriend someone after they give you chlamydia?
They need a stunt cock, be about 20 more minutes.
she was stripping to whiskey lullaby. most depressed boner.
Im calling him
was mistake calling. If you drunk dial someone you deserve to choke on a tubesock. Take the advice. Always remember
I told him if he wanted to lose weight he had to learn self control. Less than ten minutes after that I ate a cookie off the floor...
He brought me breakfast in bed after our one night stand. Beer and Cheerios I may come back to this place
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
I'm trying. I feel like we're trying to have sex with fruitcake. dry and boring.
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
I think one of my ovaries is committing suicide. But that is a topic for another day.
I lost a fight last night. By that I mean I head butt the bar and busted my lip open.
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Randomize
