My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
Improvement. She went from pretending she was the soccer ball in the world cup games and it hurt when they kicked her to passed out on the floor.
as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
how much ball-pain constitutes an emergency?
I didn't get a chance to take any pics but the mental snapshot of her boyfriend calling her directly after we finished was a really special moment I wish I could properly share with you.
You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
He's taking me to Tao. This is going to be so weird. How do you go on a first date with a guy that has seen you naked more times than clothed?
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
Thanks for ruining my life with your man penis
I hear my roommate snoring and I feel bad for his girlfriend but then I hear them having sex and I guess it all works out in the end.
These business classes have improved my drug business ten fold
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
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