guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
Im watching hello kitty on qvc debating if its a good idea to cook bagel bites on my space heater
I yelled "Coming in hot." before penetrating. Im pretty sure she loved it.
So at what point while he was throwing up on the girl next to him did you think "yeah, im going to hit that"
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
I just wanted to let you know I just licked gravy off of my boobs. Just putting that out there.
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
getting kicked in the face by someone doing a keg stand. just my luck
were lost, were cold and we don't know what to do with the stray cat we found.
20 bottles of wine, 3 cases or beer, and 5 bottles in my kitchen... My parents are teasing me.
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
You know I was thinking and I've never seen a penis in a whirlpool before
i love you and all, but can that be the last orgy with your wife?
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