Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
Then you screamed "fuck her like shes not your sister tonight" at the people walking down the road.
Bathrooms are cool, I think Im just gonna hang out here for a bit.
I'm starting to blur the boundary between reasonable senioritis and self-destruction. Somewhat-openly hittin the flask in 11am class
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
He's not letting me leave till I cum. I am a hostage to my own vagina
if i ever wake up in the morning and don't feel a boner in my asscrack then this relationship is over
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
Stupid Covid-19
The universal cock block of this decade
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize
