then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
All she was asking was for you to describe your coat so she could get it, but you kept yelling at her so the security threw you out.
And then out of the blue she sent me a youtube video mashup of cats puking to techno music
I just looked at the guy in the car next to me and he was wearing a divers mask. We just nodded cause we both understood.
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
Being invited to eat tater tots at 1:30am by a rly hot girl then actually only eating tater tots is a major let down. Tasty, but still a let down
I just really need a hug and a shower beer
Do you think Brian would let me smoke while we fuck? I'm not sure ill survive exams without a constant nicotine intake
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
I shouldn't have that kind of responsibility when the prospect of being high is readily available. All I could do was hula hoop and smoke cigarettes last night. My remembrance of anything important was out the window.
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
Just letting you know that your little sister is now your eskimo brother. You can send a thank you edible arrangement to Tammy.
A piece of your chipped nail polish just fell out of my crotch.
Randomize
