I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
Definitely just saw a grown man at wal mart wearing high heels and carrying a baby
What the fuck were you doing at wal mart?
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
Yeah? Well I'm currently predrinking downstairs in my room by myself. Absolut and water with a hint of mint because I'm using the glass I keep my toothbrush in. Fuck, you bitches better get off work soon.
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
Driving by his house every hour is not stalking, it's a reconnaissance mission... How else can I confront him
You woke up, laughed, proceeded to throw up on me and then passed out again.
Ok well hopefully you're not staging an intervention for me at your place because I'm bringing beers
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
I’m at that point in my trip where I’m kinda hot, kinda cold and I have to remember to breathe.
Did you really think putting a napkin over your head would make you giving him a bj less obvious?
The sex was so good we high-fived after.
Are you coming over for scrambled eggs and hand jobs?
Randomize
