The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
There is no way when we get home that nothing will hapen
god, you should never be in the FBI. you'd give away america's secrets to any boy who asked.
I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
I just withdrew $200 in ones. I think the teller knew what was up
Some advice...don't play drunk rock em sock em robots. With actual people. I have bruises EVERYWHERE.
You have not lived until you have drunkenly grinded on your mother. Daughter of the year right here.
Goodbye spring break, hello depressing video on AIDS.
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
On the other hand, this could be a new level of shame for me.
the best part is that i get to keep the pot plants and he still has my name tattooed on his ass
Upon further investigation my nipples are bruised and I have teeth marks all over.
Randomize
