Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
Picking up third year law school girls is like MILF hunting for beginners
if you google earth my address you can see me getting out of my car. finally my moment of being famous
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
The Wii Fit is already telling me I'm an alcoholic.
I feel like I'm in a bed a bagels and mistakes.
im pretty sure your bra is in my room hanging on my shark pinata
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
I have vodka soaked strawberries. My latest tarot card reading hinted at a lesbian/bisexual coming out. I doubt I survive the night.
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
Finals week game: One shot for every psychological trauma I've been through that I have to explain in detail. Man I hate my major sometimes.
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
Pussy, Peanut Butter Cookies,and Bubble Wrap
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
Randomize
