I need to talk to you about an important matter involving lesbians.
His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
i'm considering texting him with "i'm leaving the country for a year, wanna fuck?"
do it. it's every man's dream.
Pretty sure I went to the bar in my bathing suit, sweat pants, and high heels.
Nothing ruins a good sext like too many emoticons
Nothing says "I'm a sorority girl" like puking at 830 in the am, wearing my anti-hazing pin, and getting ready for a tea party.
whatever a "slut portfolio" is, mine is apparently almost complete
at the hospital. the stripper fell on his face when she was trying to grab the dollar bill out of his mouth with her ass. broken nose for sure.
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
I just pulled a piece of cookie out of my bra in the middle of class. I'm forever alone.
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
This dude has batman tighty whities on over his cargo pants and he has the nerve to yell "fuck you bitch" up at my window.
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
Randomize
