So there is this guy preaching the word of God outside our club. I went up to him and said, "God made this body, and he made it for premarital sex." Sup, Hell?
You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
And i laid in the yard with carrots on my chest cause i wanted a bunny
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
Sorry no. I've already promised my first single hookup to somebody.
I woke up to a hotel manager knocking on my car ( window was down) and asking if I was ok
All I know is that your reaction after this date with him was "I think I did cocaine" so I'm sold on this boy
I'll be there in 10. I need you naked and ready. Warm up.
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
Omg. Some dude is jacking off in Kelly's bathroom.
Dude it's bad when your 10 year old son makes fun of your penis size.
Between my sister puke and rallying at the bar and my brother sending a drunk passed out naked pic in which his dick was exposed, I don't know which sibling to be more proud of this weekend.
I GOT THE PAPER IN AT 11:58
EAT MY ENTIRE ASS COM 101
It turned from Netflix and chill to cringeworthy YouTube videos and chill. At least he's honest.
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
Randomize
