You know that restaurant that is like over by home depot?
That shitty one? I heard the food sucks there
It's my parent's restaurant
How did people poop without Blackberrys?
Motorola Razers?
Stone age, man.
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
she looks like she scalped a horse for her weave
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
Note to self. The tub labelled "not water" does not contain water.
Amazon.com "suggested" I buy both nipple clamps and opera gloves.
so as he was cumming he sort of growled with one eye squinted... for a moment there I thought I was fucking Popeye
You're about wine.
Yes, I'm like 90% wine at the moment
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
I wanna hang out. The cats don't talk back.
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
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