Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
i feel like a thai whore the morning after the navy left.
I cant date a girl that sucks dick at sucking dick
we turned dreidel into a drinking game. i kept landing on gimel. im glad we have 7 more nights of this
Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
I took a hang over nap infront of the door to my 9am class
You kept asking us from the backseat if you were driving ok and then you kept talking to your hiccups and yelling at them to "stop it already!"
One day soon I'll learn the difference between a good high and way too high. Today is not the day.
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
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