I'm really into asian looking animals
____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
Sorry, I don't speak sober.
this episode of spongebob makes me wish crabby patties were real
i feel like our whole relationship was one big acid trip
Beer bonged 7 shots of Jameson. I title this night short stories with tragic endings.
After the second day the hotel realized I wasn't responsible enough to have a comforter, so they took it for the rest of the trip.
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
so I found out I could dislocate my shoulders on demand while I was trippin on e last night...
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
I took a dab in Denver and was I. Rocky Mountain national park almost to Wyoming before I realized I missed my turn.
Once upon a time I threw up in my own hands last night.
First she snuck beer into the movies and then proceded to give me a handjob in the dark theatre. I think I'm in love
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