he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
alright she left, finally time to fart up the room
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
he does have a point though, watching you drink makes me never want to drink again
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
Russians do not operate on the same level as the rest of us. hoping I wake up tomorrow
ETSY JUST SENT ME AN EMAIL WITH THE SUBJECT "SUMER ROMANCE" I'M BEYOND FUCKING DONE
I worked all year for this tax return. I deserve to get my nipples pierced.
I feel slightly un-patriotic right now... I just got cock blocked by the Air Force!
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
So you thought it was a good idea to make plans for the same time same place with the guy you were sort of dating AND his best friend you slept with?
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
eating pizza to get the taste of dick out my mouth wby
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