but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
dude, you cant keep using "she roofied me" as an excuse to bang all these fat chicks
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
Your friends turned off our power in the basement and when we went to turn it back on I got sprayed in the face with a fire extinguisher. FYI.
i decided this morning while eating my breakfast of red bull and cold pizza that i should take a vow of celibacy
Mom just referred to a 9 year old as "this bitch", so I'd say day drinking was a success.
He's rapping about a turtle neck sweater. Please come get me.
Dude if her licking my face hammered isn't love I don't really want to know what love is.
Thats Poetry
I yelled at the dude who smoked him up "YOU'RE THE REASON I'M NOT GETTING LAID" then went to bed. So yeah, I guess it was an ok night.
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
But on the plus side, what he lacked in size he made up for with speed. And grunting.
admittedly, geting that drunk in front of my last two exes wasnt a good idea
probably didn't help that you cheated on them with each other either
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
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