whats the name of the jew you used to have sex with that lives on evergreen?
be more specific...?
this boner is exhausting
I'm so confused. I feel like I just intentionally took roofies to see where I'd end up.
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
Dude are you wearing a trashbag right now?....
I seemed to have misplaced my pants...
i hope you're proud of yourself! i just had to ask my boss to put ointment on the rugburn on my back. clothes hurt!
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
After we hooked up he started to cry and called his mom and told her he wanted to marry me
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
this periodpocalypse needs to be over. I need head
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
Even in drag you're still better looking than your sister.
All I remember is you shouting "THIS KID IS A FREAKIN' NINJA!!" when he dive rolled over a barbed wire fence and proceeded to ask for his 18th beer.
Randomize
