Call meee
Ok, but just to warn you, I'm as drunk as a Kennedy right now...
Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
Not only do prius' look terrible they are terrible to have sex in
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
I mean I like that it's warm enough to open the windows, but it annoys me that I can't walk around naked anymore.
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
Her name is Sherri and her sister's are Brandy and Champagne. Of course I want to meet her parents.
Just heard a guy on the phone saying " ya ill buy the eight ball " then came to my register to ask what asile the sugar substitute is on.
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
private study room at the lib turned into byob study room. that turned into battle royale and eric impaling his leg on a pen.
If it makes you feel any better, I had my finger up some guy's butt today... Dominatrix training, ya know...
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
So when the drug raid cops tell you, you should get out of the relationship, it probably means its time.
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
Randomize
