I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
I closed that bar. Sang every Beatles song in the book. Made Somoan friends.
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
What happened to the good old days when we whispered the words beer pong and people came running?
Do you have any need for a scary clown mask?
Biggg time. I found 2 empty packages of extenze in my car this am.... not sure what that was all about
I think i was just meant to be a stripper. A ballerina stripper cat
I am taking a candle lit bath, blasting some tupac and smoking a fat bowl. This is how every night should end. Did you go take a piss in his car yet?
Now I just sit back and wait to give ass birth to pure evil.
My one night stand from last night is currently mowing my lawn for me.
So I have been told that I licked your eyebrows last night
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
He made me promise not to describe his penis in detail to you....oops.
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