Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
i'm smoking hookah in a kayak. how did this happen.
turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
I KNEW IT. I HAD A FEELING. THIS IS GODS CURSE. BREAK UP WITH A SEX GOD. GET ONE OF HIS PEASANTS.
pretty sure tht was the guy who once went to the club dressed as waldo. he still looks weirdly fuckable.
Pretty sure my first birthday present will be a pic of an 18-year-old's cock. And I am OK with that
It can't be Friday yet, in still getting friend requests of people I don't remember from last weekend
Did she seriously come back inside just to piss on the kitchen floor?
His 89 y/o father walked in on us. Judging by the gasp/moan, I don't think the 1920s prepared him to see another dude inside his son.
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
Remember how I was complaining about how no guy has ever gotten me off?
It’s a prereq for med school, so I hope the professor likes blow jobs
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