he was humming party in the usa while we were having sex.
would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles.
I walked in on her just letting her nose bleed into her friend's hands
The night started going downhill when I set my foot on fire.
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
I know he is still a student. I am not asking if his being an underwear model makes it more ethical, just less prosocutable.
Ok well hopefully you're not staging an intervention for me at your place because I'm bringing beers
It was like the devil him self busted his red hot satanic nuts all over my face and burned my eyes out of my innocent sockets.
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
i peed in the parking lot at work not even thinking, a woman saw
I don't drink nearly as much when I'm coupled, and that's not a lifestyle I can commit to
Every guy I've ever fucked is single right now
Pray for me
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
She made kool-aid with tequila instead of water and rolled a blunt about the size of an Oscar Mayer hot dog. Best blind date I've ever had. I think I will love her tell my dieing day!
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