her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
Spencer Pratt, I WILL beat the shit out of you someday, I Promise
im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
Taking the airport shuttle drunk should not happen this often in my life.
i've never smoked before...when you said wake and bake i thought you meant like a funeral bbq or something
we did it on the golf course and he threw the condom in the pond. some poor fish is gonna choke on it
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
He looks like he got hit by a weed-eater with chlamydia
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
I think we need to teach you what straight means again
So if her brother fucks my brother, can I just tell her that anal sex is in her genes?
It's Christmas, you should know what a virgin is.
Sometimes I refuse to go through a door until someone holds it open for me because I'm a fucking lady.
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
Randomize
