i soberly give you permission to do that to me when im drunk
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
Did she have bad breath? Bad breath makes you think of all the bad things in the world
All he said was "Yeah, there's a lot of air down there. And penis."
You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru
What if this is the rest of my life? Sitting at the bar waiting for someone to play Single Ladies
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
We can't do acid Disneyworld.
Do you own a cuff key and know where Karen lives?
The power of my boobs compel you
Did your grand seduction include learning to play careless whisper on a kazoo or was that just a hobby
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
Randomize
