Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
shes about as inviting as chlamydia
Just put a picture of dead dolphins on her wall...told her the oil spill was her fault.
can't remember last night but the beers were $3.50, so i can count how many I had by counting my quarters
i can afford to take several trips up and down the parkway right now if I wasn't still hanging over my toilet
Just paid a $5 cover at a bar I stumbled by so I could puke in a toilet and not in public.
i feel like i am carryihg a baby. a baby made of alcohol.
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
Well at least he is okay. If you call the fetal position in my living room floor "okay"...
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
So the day after the 4th I'm sitting here drinking Molson and watching NHL free agent frenzy. From patriotic American to drunken Canadian in 24 hours flat. Booyah.
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
THIS IS SO HOT. BYE PANTIES.
His mom let me come to his house for a Booty call at 4am. She even cooked us breakfast in the morning and told me im a better moaner than his girlfriend of 4yrs.
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
Randomize
