Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
The last thing i remember was high fiving everyone on the planet.
idk whats worse playing power hour to yourself, or the fact that you were having fun while doing it
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
Apparently I've been blackout drunk doing abstract algebra on the floor
Try not to get arrested for it, but otherwise i support you
He's CUTE. and foreign
I'm not sure whom I'm texting but I put you in my phone as last nights fuck budy, and I'm just curious if I left my clutch with you?
Dude just the look on his face when she sat down next to him, threw one leg over his, and just said "so..." was fucking amazing
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
MY LIFE IS HARD OK. I HAVE TO WAKE UP AT LIKE 10 OR 11 AFTER SMOKIG POT AND PLAYING FALLOUT UNTIL 3
I'm still not 100% sure who I'm sleeping with
He fucked me while wearing a unicorn horn. I think I have found the one...
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
Randomize
