textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
I'm on a mission to free the leash kids. Like liberating the Israelites from Egypt. Only better.
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
She's wearing her dead grandmother's pearl on the married finger so no guys "bother her" tonight... I am not THAT committed to Girl's Night.
The number of males in the usa getting circumsized are decreasing. Keep this in mind when we become cougars
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
I wish I could be the kind of drunk Bobbi is... She stumbles around outside at 4am with a broken high heel and babbling about rainbows and getting dick...
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
I haven’t been this excited since I found out they sold cases of Jack Daniels.
Theres a free llama on craigslist. Are you in or are you in?
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
Randomize
