i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
She has HUUUUUUUGE nipples
never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
Repeat the weekend mantra. "I like boys with teeth, I need boys with teeth, I deserve boys with teeth, I will have boys with teeth".
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
Man i fell asleep on a random persons porch on the way home and woke up to the family banging on the windows trying to wake me up
I was really hoping my 420 would involve a lot more weed and a lot less buttholes
She was a little thick, but we banged on the beach and fireworks went off as we finished so I think God wanted it
The single life is the freaking dream dude. I'm sitting here naked, eating chocolate mousse, and watching Gilmore girls. It's wonderful
Smargarita sloshedurday tomorrow around 2
Bring a helmet for your liver
Sustenance and doggy style.. the only two things I need
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